This is a time loop

The state of overall unsatisfaction can be pretty crushing sometimes.
What am I looking for really? I am actually good, when compared to my environment. Why do I have the feeling that I always want more? Why can't I simply be at peace with myself and be satisfied once and for all?
Is this a disease? Can I get medication for this?
I am not able, and sometimes it feels like physically unable, to feel satisfied for long... why?
It is becoming extremely painful, especially for the people surrounding me I guess. Very difficult to keep on being joyful when I know that I am not. When I know that all I want is lie down in bed and never move out from there. This is my daily struggle... having enough energy and will to stand up and move from that place. And yet, this is my daily routine:
- wake up at 7:35
- toilet / bathroom while checking the usual disgusting weather and thinking about what I will have to wear for the day
- wear whatever I could find and is weather-appropriate 
- putting on make up with such a hassle, to cover up these tired eyes
- preparing my coffee, drinking it while playing a stupid game on my tablet
- put on some perfume and leave the house around 8:45
- go to the car park, then to work
- reaching my work place at 9:10, log in, work
- taking my lunch break with the usual people at 12 sharp
- come back after a walk "around the cow" to my desk at 1pm
- work until 5:30 - 5:35
- go back home
- check my tablet, social networks, play a bit in the same stupid game
- clean something if the will is there... 
- order or cook some food
- eat
- shower
- go to bed to watch a series
- sleep

And the next morning, the same unsatisfying feeling is haunting me, then the same wish to stay in my bed forever and never move. The same fears, the same suffocated dreams.

It must be difficult to be around me. I feel it is difficult to be around myself.

Happiness does not come from within

It becomes extremely difficult not knowing how to survive alone.
Happiness does not come from within.
Fulfillment is the result of seeing the other happy, and happiness is the feeling the other procures to us.

So no, if my happiness is elsewhere, I do not want to survive alone.

Stillness

Step back...
Step forward.
Step back...
Step forward.

I realized that I stayed in my same spot all along.

You know how sometimes you lose yourself in happiness?

No, you don't. Because the devil is waiting for you at every corner.

If only I could, truly, be what you wanted

Mom,

We always start with good intentions. The best of them all. When we make important decisions in life, that change our lives and the lives of our loved ones, we never mean for them to turn sour. We always want the best, and intend them to be that way.

Mom, I really wish I could hold you close, and let my heart talk to yours. No need for words; I will just unleash this enormous flow of emotions, and they will certainly reach you.

Mom, you are truly the best of all. I love you with all my heart and you are so important to me. I sincerely think that I am nothing without you. You made me in all the true and strong meanings that the word "making" can hold.

Mom, with the strongest and most truthful heart, I really wished and prayed that your happiness is not linked to mine, for the only reason that I fear I would disappoint you. You see, I do not believe that this furtive and weak feeling of happiness that I can provide once every full moon is worthy of you. For the love of God, be happy, and do not link your happiness to mine, for I fail you with every breath I take.

Mom, if only you knew. If only I could shout it. If only I could get it out of me. If only I could replace myself with another. If  only I could be a better person, if only I could be happier... 

Mom, if only you knew that I would change my life for you, I would bleed for you, I would gladly die for you... I would cross heaven and hell. And back again, to see you happy, always.

Mom, love is such a weak word for you.

I was born for longing the past

I really miss my life before social media.
It has a unique quality or flaw to show the best and worst of us.

I miss the internet before social media.
I am tired of Facebook and Instagram, Snapchat, Whisper, all of it...
It shows too much. It creates fake realities... imaginary ones... the "what would I be if I could...".
It shows us humans at our darkest and shallowest.

I miss life before social media.
When people had to keep contact with the closest people to them instead of having them listed as their "friends" or "followers"... And simply spy on them once in a while, if and when nothing shows up in the wall feed...

I miss reality. I feel further away from it every day.
I miss real feelings, I miss real time fillers... you know, when you had to read a book while bored?
I remember when I was a kid, I used to take that heavy dictionary and parts of the huge encyclopedia at home... and simply wonder through their pages... let my brain bow in respect and fascination to all the knowledge available out there.
Kids today will not have these amazing moments... They see their parents handing over their smart phones and tablets as soon as they make an attempt to cry! Too sad.

Humanity is getting dumber by the day.

Countdown

18 days to go.
Still no sign of stress.

2 big days has past already. The most important one for me was 75 days ago.
The lack of stress is a bit worrying, but I have already been introduced to what is expected.

We all have started with good intentions, the best of them all.

To be continued...

Stay strong... and FEEL

I just realized something now.

I am angry! Not in a harsh way, but in a deeply buried way.
In a burning way... you know, just like extreme happiness, when you feel your heart is going to burst with energy.

Angry.

Angry at the world, at myself, at people, at the lack of perfection, at life...

Angry at the double standards, at the human behavior, at hypocrisy, at all the unsaid...

Angry at all the things I wish I could do and know I can never do...

Angry at all the possibilities that can never be reached, that are impossibilities...

Angry at you, angry at me, angry at them...

Angry at things we don't like but have to do, and things we like but we shouldn't do...

Angry before, during and after...

Angry at the time and space...

Angry at me being so angry!

Nothingness is fine

"I am better than god, more evil than the devil, poor people have me and rich people want me. What am I?"

They say the answer is "nothing". Nothing is better than god, nothing is more evil than the devil, poor people have nothing, and rich people want nothing.

Everything revolves around nothingness. 

Somehow, it is comforting to know. No matter how successful you get, you will be nothing, and no matter how much you screw up, it is the same.

The fear of many is to die and leave nothing behind, like if they never existed. The greatest of them produced monuments, art, science... left trace of their existence centuries after their corpses dissolved. The most power-hungry of them left pages and books in history recording the tales of their wars, victories and failures, and the amount of people who died in between. And the most common of them, they tried - mostly with success, rarely with failure - to produce offspring to carry something as meaningless as a family name.

Such a relief to see all this insanity will disappear. We are not eternal, luckily. Our refusal to cope with this fact does not change anything to the equation. We will all disappear, like civilizations before us, like species before us. And that is fine. Because "eternal nothingness is fine if we happen to be dressed for it".

A writer they said!

I just did a test today about what career I should have explored. The test said that I should be a writer.

A very unsuccessful one then... Looking at my low statistics.

A very unsuccessful one then... looking at my lack of addiction to alcohol and drugs!

It would have been such an interesting career though. Travelling to places for inspiration and writing.

But what about if not one's self. one's experiences and experiments. But I am too ordinary to write about any of these. 

Well, cheers to years to come :)

The raw intellectual horsepower syndrome

"The raw intellectual horsepower"

That is the new "trendy" name for human intellect.

What can I say? We have reached a new low while trying to use fancy "expert" jargon that none needed at the first place.

Can I just simply vent how much I hate this in both the academic world and the real world? (by real world, I mean companies of course!). Whenever there is a trend, everyone picks it up.... Oh please! "outside of the box" era has finally ended, when the other ones started: "entrepreneurial spirit", "disruption era", "Young professionals", "change agents"... oh please, for goodness' sake just stop it. We transform every simple daily word into a fancy one, and look for a newer and fancier one once everyone gets used to the previous... "Raw intellectual horsepower"! Come on people!

Here is a list:

- Holacracy

- Business process re-engineering

- Lean management

- Rank & Yank System

- Pain Point

- PowerPointless

No... the list is just too long!

Enjoy the weekend instead :)

Lucky

There are some types of people that actually make me feel depressed just by hearing their opinions.

They also make me feel happy about what I have, about my situation today and the people surrounding me.

It's healthy to actually meet them once in a while, just to remember how lucky a person is, and how their lives are actually not bad at all after all.

Time rules

Time doesn't wait for us

The clock doesn't stop ticking

The sun still rises every morning marking a new day... 

Waiting and dreaming is such a waste of time!

I can make a mess, like nobody else

It has been 53 days since I changed my status.
Maybe I should really consider deleting my Facebook account.
Is my boss happy with my performance?
Is it time to move on?
What the hell do these Germans want?
Hmm, I want to play Black Flag soon on the PS4.
When am I going to buy that damn PS4 already?
So many money issues lately... I really need to get on top of that.
It's sunny and cold today... at least it's not raining.
I had such a great weekend actually, must re-do again.
Did I pay all the bills?
When is the next public holiday? Damn! Not until November 1st ...
But wait, I am taking my holidays in exactly 37 days...
It's no damn holidays! Who am I kidding.
I miss Mona, it's so much more fun when she is around...
Today is my interview... But honestly, I have no motivation for it.
At least I still enjoy, occasionally, my job.
It does pay well to be fair.
And I have the car.
When am I going to finally learn how to drive properly?
Yeah, I said, October.
It will rain in October, not very good to drive in such slippery roads...
Next summer? What a joke.
Am I going to be ok? I mean, is it going to get better?
I want a baby.
And I want that tattoo. I feel I will not get it.
When am I going to finish that book? I should really take some time for it.
I miss this.
I didn't watch my favorite show in ages.
I wonder if he is becoming stronger.
I want some real holidays... next year maybe.
Well, back to work.

Chronicly quiescent

In this age of information and misinformation, of extremes and contradictions, of abundance and dearth... I cannot help it but find myself out of context and out of place.

The quickness and slowness of life as I know it is barely livable.

I think it is beyond what we are, what we can be, achieve or not, move or not... so many things, so little time, and so much time as well. 

I can barely survive 10 minutes without doing something, that will bore me in less than 5 minutes. We are in the middle of such a life crisis. Living but never satisfied, with the certainty that we will never be. Happiness is simply summarized in a formula that recently have been found by some bored mathematicians, or by articles showing us the top 10 things happy people do or never do. It has reached intolerable levels. We have finally come to the conclusion that we will never be happy, that it is over, that it cannot be changed. We have become fatalists. Whatever fate gives us, we will take. We have become tired of struggle, of trying... We have become, globally, addicted to consumerism of giving up, of taking it all in. We are now ready to buy the feeling of powerless content. That is it, giving up is the only provider of peace of mind, because from all the unfits of this world, we are not the 1% , not the 99%. We are the 100%. All unfit. All continuing to be static.

Motionless.

Una palabra

I miss that feeling

From another time

From another life

A life I didn't live, but past

Escape

I miss having a roof.

You know, when you feel disgusted by the world and what it carries.. When you feel suffocated and you have that urge to escape...

I miss that. Going up and just breathing. Looking down at the world and feeling seperated from it.

I don't have a roof.

And you are not winning, you are failing.

And so am I. 

From sadness to anger then back again

You make me feel very sad sometimes,

And you don't even notice it.

Odds of gain x value of gain

I can never win.

So I have decided to become someone else.

Travel deals

"Even when the Earth sleeps, we travel"

I am hooked, nailed down, but I am not a tree.
So why am I here? Hooked and nailed?
Travel is not only going to other places, new places, exciting ones.
Travel is also about enjoying every single moment, even if stuck to the ground.
Like the tree, it always looks ahead, its branches travel, looking for the sun, growing further.
I want to travel within my own imagination, creating fantastic worlds again, all mine.
I want to travel in time, hell, confuse time itself! And break all the rules of physics.
I want to destroy all of these shells, get rid of them all.
Start breathing again, and let the sun look for me.
I want the Earth to be awake, and travel with me instead.

Words in vain

"It's like if they don't understand my words, and yet I said them, clearly. I wake up everyday not looking forward for the day. I wake up everyday and all I want is for the end of the day to come, so I can crawl back to my bed, and that maybe, that night, unlike all the others, will last for years"

What about the other side of the story?

I am very much tired of all these posts listing all the excuses women give not to have sex, or the ones they always talk about men suffering from the lack of sex in their lives because of women. I want to say one thing: can I - in my lifetime - read an article or watch a video that relates the lack of sex for women and give a list of men excuses not to have sex?

50 shades of ... crap is what it is!

50 shades of grey is releasing a movie next valentine's day.

I did not read the book. I watched the trailer though.

From that lousy 2:26 video*, I have already built a... let's say "historically transmitted fury from genes carried since the beginning of times" on this book / movie.

And that is how it went:

Friend:
I couldn't hold myself and watched the trailer! It looks fantastic!

Me:
Hahahahahaha is it really THAT good? Let me check it out... But why coming out on Valentine's?
Friend:
Valentine's day is THE day
Me:
Does it have anything to do with love? XD i thought it was about LUST
Friend:
looool
Well of course! there is a bit of love in the story, I've read the whole book!
loool
Me:
ooooooh too bad
Friend:
Bad?
BAD GIRL!
Me:
Well yeah lol lust and love are different 

Friend:
Oh yeah?!
No, no, no...
Me:
And what I REALLY wanted to see, FOR ONCE! is that a book loved by women and FOR women's fantasies is FINALLY splitting the 2!
Friend:
I really disagree
Me:
Why can guys simply enjoy lust while we ALWAYS need to link it to love?
It's really pathetic! It's like a Cinderella story all over again, made modern by including some sex scenes! It's all about the poor girl who is not confident in herself and wait for a guy to make her feel sexy and confident... waits for that rich handsome (?) guy to show her how to be satisfied in bed... at the end of the day, it's still the pathetic girl fulfilling the whims of the guy... and falls in love with him... REALLY? and they marketed it as THE sensual book for women? The feminists of the 60s has really revolted for nothing! since women are still being used as sexual objects and their own satisfaction is always defined by what men want them to do... even in bed...
Friend:
Well that's reality sweetheart, for women, love and lust go hand in hand.
Me:
Nope, I disagree... it's not reality i bet that for us too, if we could actually act with as much sexual freedom as men do, then it will be very clear for us that lust and love are different things 

Friend:
I don't think we understand each other on that point
Me:
And it is pathetic that at the end, it's him enjoying and not her... she is like a docile cat pet, he teaches her what she needs to do and she needs to like it... oh boy!
Friend:
Women can desire as well without love... But love cannot exist without desire.
Ideally, it should be both
Me:
This is idealistic thinking. love can exist without any real or strong lust (lust being way more powerful than desire)
Friend: 
Well, love, lust, desire... what do I know really.


Just to be sure actually, here are the definitions of each:
- Love: a strong feeling of affection.
- Lust: strong sexual desire
- Desire: a strong feeling of wanting to have something or wishing for something to happen

"The desire of love is to give, the desire of lust is to take"

Keep calm and...

Oh well, I simply grew tired of it.
"And I don't care"... ♪♪

Moving on... Make way!

Gift of happiness

"It is in giving you receive

And receiving you give"

No giver, no gift, no receiver... just the universe

Making us happy

And happier.

It's all about the money!!

"Money is the most universal and pluralistic system of mutual trust ever devised. It's the only thing in the world everybody trusts"... and yet, it's just a piece of paper.

And although cash is still king, but thinking about it, only 8% of all the money of this world, including governments, companies, the whole of the economy, only 8% of the wealth is "cash". The rest is "numbers" on an account... owned by the banks. And we trust banks, because we give them our most valuable belongings. And yet, we have signed a paper stating that they own our money and, in case of crisis, they have the right to block us from withdrawing our money... which is basically the remaining 92% of the world wealth.

This did not end yet actually, so hang in there.

Not only we actually own paper money that has no value except the "trust" we put in it, and not only the safest place to save your money actually has control over it, you pay taxes from your own income to institutions that exist only to sustain that "trust" in money... and that are only holding still because we have "trust" in them: we trust "security", we trust "leadership", we trust "capitalism" and human rights.

Humans are the only species in this known world that create concepts coming from their pure imagination and make them sustainable by the only concept of trust.

...

Transcendence

Understanding that even with change, nothing really changes
But also understanding that with time, everything changes.
It is the plurality of our singularity that makes us experience the void within us
And makes us discover... finally and truly
That what makes the stars, also makes the grains of sand.

For honour, always.

One piece of free unasked for advice that I want to throw out there: give yourself the right value and respect you deserve, defend yourself, because if you don't do it for youself, no one will. NO ONE.

Real

What is the most important thing in life? 

I will tell you: a good CV.

Why?

Because a good CV is what will provide you comfort and happiness. Let's be real.

Happy days

Happy days are here!

May we all see even better days

One shade of grey

We have come a long way, didn't we?

So much stress, a little bit of lack of understanding

A little bit of a cry for freedom, for who we were

A bit of grey as well. Not enough for it to become dark, but not enough light there neither.

Everyday is a little wonder.

And a wonder has more grey in it

Than simple black and white.

I am NOT a successful woman!

I will use blogger as a whisper app:

He wants me to wait gently at home while he is meeting his girl friend who has a crush on him! Tickle me please, because I would like to laugh!

What comes around goes around. That's life.

Loosing faith

She has lost faith in humanity. A kid who has nothing else to lose.
She is not the only one.

Scars for life, life of scars. Touching death. Loosing faith.

The eyes have spoken. No word is left. Sealed mouth and a hard-to-silence heart.

No one is spared. Kids as much as adults.

All loosing faith in humanity.

Humans loosing faith in themselves.

They have left nothing. Only the sound of chaos in a life filled with regret and pain.

The sound of chaos, that melody that plays forever.

Childhood has left. And age does not matter anymore.

Pain is no longer a feeling. It became material, touchable.

And all is left is passion...

And a prayer.

A prayer to go along with that sound of chaos.

"Close your eyes, fall in love, stay there" - Rumi

Dreams back on track?

Check.

Feeling loved?

Check.

Feeling happy and hopeful?

Check and check.

Can I ask for more?

Of course. Our primary mission in this life is to perpetually seek perfection.

Do I want to ask for more?

No. Lately, it has been an absolute blast. I finally started feeling that I am part of that sooo special world of yours.

The enemies that will share a roof

She will always bother me and I will never be comfortable with it.

That is the truth.

And it was such a pleasure to meet with him on Thursday.

Because I saw that what I am asking for is the norm, it is not the impossible nor the dream.

Because I realized that I am not asking for the moon.

And because, today, I realized that no matter how many tears have been spilled

No matter how many people agreed to my view or not.

It will not change you, it will not change me, and it will not change who we are and what we ask for.

Us against the world... Maybe, but it is now us against ourselves and us against each other.

How sad.

We can be much more...

Rush!

This thought occurred to me while watching the football match (barcalona / atletico madrid)... Just after Neymar scored...

So this is what I thought: do you know why I loved that roulette game so much? Besides that impressive rush that I felt while winning... I liked the fact that someone enjoyed my company for the whole game. Enjoying my presence and not feeling ashamed to be around all the time. It's pleasing. 

Rush of winning, rush of living!

The first to forget is the happiest

Pride will make you strong

But not happy.

If not for honour, then for what?

"Stars never fall for men"

Nor destiny does bow for us.

Honey, let's be adventurous!

I was watching the movie "Last Vegas" yesterday. I will skip the talk about how brilliantly funny it was and how De Niro and Freeman surprised me in their roles. I will speak instead about this woman above, or more precisely, her character in the movie.

I felt absolutely refreshed that an empty nester at that age can still have fun and enjoy life, not only as much as younger people, but even more! I still have a long way to go to reach that stage in life, but I do feel exalted that I actually CAN. At any time of my live.

Thank you for reminding me of the joy of life.

SU&MO

Motivation is so easily killed nowadays. People are ready to give up very quickly... And I am one of them.

We are asked for our opinions although the final outcome would be for them to be ignored. Listening to what people have to say is no longer the point. It is a mere protocol, something that has to be done for the formality of it.

No more space for individuality neither. Let us all be a copy of each other. 

People thank the inventor of the famous "ctrl+c" and "ctrl-v", but I CURSE him for starting this melting pot attitude.

But hey, life goes on... And with a smile, I Shut Up & Move On... Just SU&MO!

ما نحتاجه وما لدينا - What we need and what we have

This is your "Hi" and "bye" policy materializing:

This is what I wish my policy was:

But this is what my policy ends up being:

And the saga continues, let's see who is happier.