This is a time loop

The state of overall unsatisfaction can be pretty crushing sometimes.
What am I looking for really? I am actually good, when compared to my environment. Why do I have the feeling that I always want more? Why can't I simply be at peace with myself and be satisfied once and for all?
Is this a disease? Can I get medication for this?
I am not able, and sometimes it feels like physically unable, to feel satisfied for long... why?
It is becoming extremely painful, especially for the people surrounding me I guess. Very difficult to keep on being joyful when I know that I am not. When I know that all I want is lie down in bed and never move out from there. This is my daily struggle... having enough energy and will to stand up and move from that place. And yet, this is my daily routine:
- wake up at 7:35
- toilet / bathroom while checking the usual disgusting weather and thinking about what I will have to wear for the day
- wear whatever I could find and is weather-appropriate 
- putting on make up with such a hassle, to cover up these tired eyes
- preparing my coffee, drinking it while playing a stupid game on my tablet
- put on some perfume and leave the house around 8:45
- go to the car park, then to work
- reaching my work place at 9:10, log in, work
- taking my lunch break with the usual people at 12 sharp
- come back after a walk "around the cow" to my desk at 1pm
- work until 5:30 - 5:35
- go back home
- check my tablet, social networks, play a bit in the same stupid game
- clean something if the will is there... 
- order or cook some food
- eat
- shower
- go to bed to watch a series
- sleep

And the next morning, the same unsatisfying feeling is haunting me, then the same wish to stay in my bed forever and never move. The same fears, the same suffocated dreams.

It must be difficult to be around me. I feel it is difficult to be around myself.

Happiness does not come from within

It becomes extremely difficult not knowing how to survive alone.
Happiness does not come from within.
Fulfillment is the result of seeing the other happy, and happiness is the feeling the other procures to us.

So no, if my happiness is elsewhere, I do not want to survive alone.

Stillness

Step back...
Step forward.
Step back...
Step forward.

I realized that I stayed in my same spot all along.

You know how sometimes you lose yourself in happiness?

No, you don't. Because the devil is waiting for you at every corner.

If only I could, truly, be what you wanted

Mom,

We always start with good intentions. The best of them all. When we make important decisions in life, that change our lives and the lives of our loved ones, we never mean for them to turn sour. We always want the best, and intend them to be that way.

Mom, I really wish I could hold you close, and let my heart talk to yours. No need for words; I will just unleash this enormous flow of emotions, and they will certainly reach you.

Mom, you are truly the best of all. I love you with all my heart and you are so important to me. I sincerely think that I am nothing without you. You made me in all the true and strong meanings that the word "making" can hold.

Mom, with the strongest and most truthful heart, I really wished and prayed that your happiness is not linked to mine, for the only reason that I fear I would disappoint you. You see, I do not believe that this furtive and weak feeling of happiness that I can provide once every full moon is worthy of you. For the love of God, be happy, and do not link your happiness to mine, for I fail you with every breath I take.

Mom, if only you knew. If only I could shout it. If only I could get it out of me. If only I could replace myself with another. If  only I could be a better person, if only I could be happier... 

Mom, if only you knew that I would change my life for you, I would bleed for you, I would gladly die for you... I would cross heaven and hell. And back again, to see you happy, always.

Mom, love is such a weak word for you.

I was born for longing the past

I really miss my life before social media.
It has a unique quality or flaw to show the best and worst of us.

I miss the internet before social media.
I am tired of Facebook and Instagram, Snapchat, Whisper, all of it...
It shows too much. It creates fake realities... imaginary ones... the "what would I be if I could...".
It shows us humans at our darkest and shallowest.

I miss life before social media.
When people had to keep contact with the closest people to them instead of having them listed as their "friends" or "followers"... And simply spy on them once in a while, if and when nothing shows up in the wall feed...

I miss reality. I feel further away from it every day.
I miss real feelings, I miss real time fillers... you know, when you had to read a book while bored?
I remember when I was a kid, I used to take that heavy dictionary and parts of the huge encyclopedia at home... and simply wonder through their pages... let my brain bow in respect and fascination to all the knowledge available out there.
Kids today will not have these amazing moments... They see their parents handing over their smart phones and tablets as soon as they make an attempt to cry! Too sad.

Humanity is getting dumber by the day.

Countdown

18 days to go.
Still no sign of stress.

2 big days has past already. The most important one for me was 75 days ago.
The lack of stress is a bit worrying, but I have already been introduced to what is expected.

We all have started with good intentions, the best of them all.

To be continued...