Wasted life

Second day of the new year.

State of mind: hurt, sad.

I start to believe that this state is a real chronic disease, I clearly cannot get rid of it. And I am really tired of all this inspirational videos that keep telling you that to be happy you need to be grateful, you need to have a life purpose, you need to enjoy the life around you, etc. A lot of positive talk, that disappears right away. It is so easy to say you need to find a purpose in life, they even give top 10 things to get rid of, top 10 behaviors you need to adopt, even the methodology to follow to find your purpose:

1 - define who you are

2 - define what you do

3 - define who you are doing it for

4 - determine they want it or need it

5 - what did they get out of it

No answer for any.

I think I am a shadow in this world, living, or breathing, walking dead. Pursuing perfection I can never find, and asking for things no one can give.

Better off alone? Maybe so. What is certain is that I reached the point where I do ask myself this question. Maybe I am not wired to live with someone, to live in society. I am certainly not wired to live in this century. I do not like anything I see here and now, and somehow, I think I do not even want to adapt. Why force myself to be someone I am not? And why change for people who want me to be someone I am not? What is the worst that can happen? Ending up alone? So what? At this point, it is maybe better than putting up with things that are beyond my capacity. It is better than being forced to accept what I judge being disrespectful to human kind, or to me.

I wish there was a drug to make me feel happy, to forget my worries, to let go and to pretend in front of others feelings that I clearly don't have.

Oh well, life wasted, too bad I only have one.