Change of tone

The excitement has finally showed up!
It's Friday after all, and Friday means good news day. At least for this Friday!

Sunny sunny thoughts to all!

Moment of the day!

I laughed.
You are normal after all.

"Don't tell me what was said about me. Tell me why they felt comfortable to say it to you".
Well done.
It will never cease to surprise me how people can find every single excuse to blame the world instead of looking at their own actions and the consequences they trigger. Questioning one's self is such a heavy task, isn't it?

People don't ask for comfort to share their poison. They tend to like to shove it up *** when they can. And let me be clearer, the logic says : don't give them the opportunity to do it, not cut off their tongues.

Reality check

Some people see the beauty in everything, and others see fear in everything. It is simple actually, we tend to fear change, or fear because there is so much to lose. 

Sometimes losing means discovering a new form of beauty, that we couldn't see before. And sometimes, holding to things that we have, or will have, means that this light is actually no blessing.

Hiding behind lame excuses...

I am actually fed up of feeling I am competing with all of them.

I am actually fed up of your constant need to look elsewhere.

I am actually fed up of being pushed to be convinced that it's men and how they are wired.

NO! this is not for me. 

And I refuse to believe.

Words are vain...

........

.....

..

The hidden message

Nightmares. All nightlong.

The worst kind. All about you.

There is a real problem here.

Delivery

The cure is to stop caring. The stop buttom is on its way.

And then what?

Lack of inspiration is the driver here.

The more I think about it, the more I see this ride as being a very long one. Way too long.

And the more I look at the ride, the more I wonder if it's real. I mean, what is wrong with the world, with nature, to have us all around... As a whole, we are nothing, as individuals, why should anyone care?

Life is a test they say... who the hell is testing us and what for? If we can survive in a hell we have created? And what would that even achieve? Leading a good life and enjoying the different moments life can offer us, they say... and so what? Enjoying music or a sunrise, a laughter, a strawberry bite... and then what? Who even defined happiness as a purpose? And why is happiness supposed to make us happy? Or to make us feel fulfilled? Why should we even feel fulfilled? Does it answer to an existential need? And if existence itself is such a volatile concept, measured in a couple of decencies... why would we even care? Ephemeral means existing only briefly, so what is wrong with us?

The funeral of 'me'

I think I got really scared yesterday. On multiple levels.

I felt like being in an exam that lasted for a whole afternoon instead of an hour. Don't get me wrong, it was a great day out, and I enjoyed it, but it felt like an exam on how able I would be to adapt and be "worthy" of all expectations. It felt like the end of "me" and the start of "you only". It scared me how I am supposed to please, accommodate with who you are, how you live, what you like and dislike and even on how to talk to you and about what and how you want to hear it. 

It really felt like the end of "me". I knew that this step meant the end of "me", but I actually imagined it as the start of "us", and not the start of "you only". It scared me to see that all that mattered was to please... what about me then? What about me being pleased as well? What about you knowing and accommodating to who I am, how I live, what I like and even how to talk to me and about what I want to hear and how? Of course it doesn't matter when the answer I receive is "but that's who I am"... well, that's who I am as well, and the purpose is to look for a common ground.

I even felt jealous at some point, because you had someone to do this for you... And then, I've realized that, not only you had no need of someone making it clear to me, but also, that's what's happening already. For a while. It did open my eyes. I do not want to accommodate to you, hell I don't even want to try to become the exact replica of who you want me to be, behave and talk! I don't want to have to think on what I will say or how I will say it, every day and every moment, because that's not how you like to hear things. I don't want to have a funeral of "me"... I want to have a funeral of "me", a funeral of "you", grief, and then celebrate the birth of "us".

Think about it, and... THAT's being ready.

Sharing is caring!

A wise man once said that in every relationship people need erasers. To erase small mistakes the loved ones do... and to let those small mistakes go. Beautiful metaphore, unless you use the eraser to erase the same mistake over and over again. Then you will simply need a new clean paper.

For goodness sake, share before I discover. Then it is too late.

We are where we are supposed to be

You know what, I think life together is going to be good. I'm trying not to add any "although" or "but"... Arguments are there for a reason, to get things to work out, to make things better... And it is getting there, slowely but hopefully surely. Everything is falling into place after all. And the universe continues to play its eternal symphony... And we are part of it.

It's time!!

That is it. I am completely worn out.

Funny how people say that they are waiting for God’s plan to finally start living. They forgot that God asked them to take actions if they want to change their lives. No one can change anything if they don’t change what’s in their heart.

Change is difficult, not only because radical measures need to be taken, but also because it’s a destruction process: you destroy the old to build the new. But honestly, it’s about time! I want to be happy again!

When you can't find the happiness described in movies... find it in the smallest things in life

Happiness is a multitude of small little things.
Happiness is the smell of vanilla coffee early in the morning.
It's feeling the sunshine on your skin after weeks of rain and dark sky.
It's a honest hug from your lover.
It's a nice beautiful word told out of the blue.

It's the freedom to be yourself,
And being loved for it.

28

I was born on January 11th, 1986. 

This feels like the start of autobiography books. Mainly the crappy ones.

Time of birth: around 9 am. I do not have such a detailed hour, and I never understood how can people know the exact minute... know if they were born at 8:59 or 9:01. Too much accuracy for such a natural process that is not bound by time as we define it.

I will be 28. How do I feel about it? Absolutely nothing. Tonight at midnight I will be alone, in bed, and to be honest, hopefully sleeping already, to avoid realizing that 28 years after your birth, you are alone in the dark, thinking of your childhood birthdays and how your parents surrounded you with love and happiness.

To be honest, it is the day when you think about the past and try to make an inventory of what you have done so far, your so-called achievements. It is therefore the day when you realize that the picture is definitely not as pink as you have been showing on Facebook or to your friends. It is gloomy. You have your degree, your great job, your apartment, your TV, smart phone or whatever. So what? What about happiness, peace of mind, fulfillment, gratitude...? 

How much does it cost? Can I buy it with my MasterCard?

I will be 29 in a year. Then 30. Then maybe 40.

Then it will be the end someday. I hope that by then, I will be able to look back and say : I had a happy enriching life, filled with loved ones and laughs.

Wasted life

Second day of the new year.

State of mind: hurt, sad.

I start to believe that this state is a real chronic disease, I clearly cannot get rid of it. And I am really tired of all this inspirational videos that keep telling you that to be happy you need to be grateful, you need to have a life purpose, you need to enjoy the life around you, etc. A lot of positive talk, that disappears right away. It is so easy to say you need to find a purpose in life, they even give top 10 things to get rid of, top 10 behaviors you need to adopt, even the methodology to follow to find your purpose:

1 - define who you are

2 - define what you do

3 - define who you are doing it for

4 - determine they want it or need it

5 - what did they get out of it

No answer for any.

I think I am a shadow in this world, living, or breathing, walking dead. Pursuing perfection I can never find, and asking for things no one can give.

Better off alone? Maybe so. What is certain is that I reached the point where I do ask myself this question. Maybe I am not wired to live with someone, to live in society. I am certainly not wired to live in this century. I do not like anything I see here and now, and somehow, I think I do not even want to adapt. Why force myself to be someone I am not? And why change for people who want me to be someone I am not? What is the worst that can happen? Ending up alone? So what? At this point, it is maybe better than putting up with things that are beyond my capacity. It is better than being forced to accept what I judge being disrespectful to human kind, or to me.

I wish there was a drug to make me feel happy, to forget my worries, to let go and to pretend in front of others feelings that I clearly don't have.

Oh well, life wasted, too bad I only have one.