Mute

The thing is, I am not feeling so well.

And the thing is, I don't know why. So I don't even know how to fix it. Or if I should fix it.

For now, I am still telling myself that it will get better, but truth to be said, I don't know. I want you to be aware.

You know, these are times when everything is messed up, when everything is questioned, and I do not even dare asking for help although I long for it. Everything should be fine, it is supposed to be fine, because there is nothing wrong... so it seems.

You know, I spoke about confidence. I said I am not over confident, but I don't lack it neither. I am strangely normal apparently. What I also think is that I am strangely needy too, and I do wonder lately if it fits in that whole picture. I know that we are all different, and comparing is such a tough exercise to do, but sometimes, I do wish I could be heard without needing to speak.

Bitter, bitter... like a sunday evening old song!

What a bitter world and what a bitter person I've become! Yet I am only 27... For my youngest cousin (not even 3 months), I might seem as old as a dinosaur, but relatively speaking, that's still young, and yet! As my dearest friend said "if you are bitter when you are 27, what would you become when you are 50? The crazy cat lady?". That definitely gave me the idea, or the push I needed to get a cat!

Maybe he is not wrong after all. Well, certainly he isn't! I take back the "maybe".

I am so bugged about this feeling that all I am thinking about right now is two alternatives:

1 - Either stop caring at all... why should I anyways? Let's act cool. I mean, the motto is to never expect anything, right?

OR 2 - Bail out. Why? Because I would like to avoid any possible conversation. Explaining myself in the most stupid way is only possible in this "safe" space. So yes, bailing out is the easiest way, no?

Thinking of it, if there is no intuitive understanding of what is going on, it simply means:

1 - They don't care at all, or don't even bother

OR 2 - we do not have common goals, understanding or expectations. Not sharing a common vision.

Both meanings are bad. So what should I do then?

And god I am structured today!

We can never change... and we shouldn't

We should remember who we are.

We should know what we are looking for.

And what we want to become.

Death of humanity as we know it

"The human race will eventually die, of civilisation..." - Ralf Waldo Emerson

There is a lot to say about this. So many issues to complain about, but let's be honest, it is very well said, very well summarized. And after all, civilization is our own creation.

The human race is without a doubt a 'best in class' in terms of natural selection. Why wait for nature to select the species that can adapt, survive or disappear when we can do the job ourselves? Let me elaborate: we are the ones that, on a drunken night, would drive the car off the cliff. Humans are causing their own end. And of course, by humans I mean all of our monstrous creations... that we call civilization. Wars, nuclear and chemical weapons, heavy high scale productions... what else is there to add?

Fukuyama said that Humanity reached the maximum state of civilization greatness and that this is the best of achievements (heaven on Earth basically) - what a funny thought. Years and an apology later, he made a correction: Nano technology and advanced Nano biology appeared. Humans are now transforming and we are entering a new era where borders between machinery and human beings are becoming extremely blurry. That means, for Fukuyama, that the human civilization will soon know a new golden age. This means, for the rest of us mortals, that we are approaching - with high speed - the day when we say goodbye to humanity as we know it. And there goes the auto-destruction (or auto-'natural'-selection) work. Luckily for Earth, nature will finally get rid of its cancer; unfortunately, it will be replaced by another unknown disease. Who is in?

Peaks

Without rain, we cannot appreciate a sunny day and without work, we cannot appreciate a nice holiday. It seems that everything turns around starvation and saturation, and the cycle repeats itself again and again. It is true that without sadness we can never know what happiness is. And a sunny day that repeats itself indefinitely would look at the end of the day as a mere normality... Let us enjoy the peaks of life :) 

Disappointed?

What have I become? Really? I myself wonder. Surprisingly enough, I have no answer for this one.

I have been questioned though. My legitimacy was, and my answer was missing. I have never been what I should have been as defined by others, and although it might be a source of disappointment for them, it never was for me. Quiet the opposite, I used to like it even. I tricked the odds, what is there not to enjoy? But today was not just any other day; today was different. Today, it left a sort of bitter taste, because maybe, it took me by surprise... or maybe because it was true. And what if it was? Should I really care? Am I really ready to fit expectations? Not sure. If the only value they perceive of me is to behave the way I was expected to behave, to be the way I "should" be, then I am clearly not. I might have disappointed you today, but it was a disappointment for me too to see that my only perceived value or "face value" is my origin and the implication of it on my supposed behavior and belief... just because I was born in a certain land or the other, regardless of who I really am.

Today was indeed no other day, not only because my identity was stripped away from me like a sort of expired passport, but also because it showed me how much I hate being in this role... I hate being considered as the weaker one while I always have been the strongest... And that certainly leaves a bitter taste.