Do, do, do... you do

the calling

My soul was trying to speak to me.

I was too busy looking through the window... at others.

My soul was trying to reach out to me.

I was too busy making a living.

My soul was trying to send me joy.

I was too busy checking out my phone.

Soul, my darling, don't give up.

For our both sake.

Drops... of joy

Unleashing the real me.

No boundaries

No hold backs

No others

Nothing.

Just free.

Just joy.

La vie en rose!

Life has been beautiful, it has been pink! Fuschia pink.

Life is still beautiful, and I am hopeful it will continue to be.

If I had to be all research-nerdy about it, if it's an overall rating on satisfaction with a 7 points scale, I would probably give it a solid 6.

Now, being a human being myself... until proven otherwise... I put my unaccomplished dreams and hopes in that gap between that solid 6 and the ultimate 7 that we are all looking for. Who could blame me, right? Don't we all do that? And we even over-think, over-plan and over-work to reach those underachieved dreams. The ones that we think are realistic enough to work hard to get.

My "achievable dreams through hard work" list has changed over the years. I am no longer looking for money... I have never looked for fame, understandable, right! I am no longer looking for a great career... yeah, I am looking for happiness, but who isn't. We are happy differently... what makes me happy doesn't mean it would make another person happy. Right.

So, year after year... now being 29 and 3 days... my plans are becoming more "traditional" somehow. Now that I am happily married, I would like to own a house some time soon, I would like to be a mother some time soon, I would like to move to a country that would be more accepting, and closer to who I am than this old / ancient continent. I would like to change the company I work for... I love my job, and I would like to have more freedom to break all these traditional preconceptions we keep on building. 

I am scared though. I am scared I can never leave this country, I am scared of the 30 years of mortgage payment that I need to go through just to own a small 2 bedrooms apartment. I am terrified of never being able to become a mother, and that suddenly my perfect happily ever after marriage would turn sour. I am scared that I will live in this country forever... like all the ones I heard saying they wanted to leave, and found themselves still living in the same place for more than 15 years. I am scared that I cannot move away from my "junior" image at work, and therefore not allowing me to assert my ideas, and at least have them judged by their face value instead of the 'no-grey haired' woman that says them.

Terrified, yes. And who isn't. As much as we say we love change, and we genuinely do, we are still terrified by the unknown outcome of it. Scared, so what! 

Yes, so what. I can do nothing about it. I can do my best, and hope for the best. I cannot change the unchangeable. 

So back to my happy life.

Wishing to all the merry life they dream of

This is a time loop

The state of overall unsatisfaction can be pretty crushing sometimes.
What am I looking for really? I am actually good, when compared to my environment. Why do I have the feeling that I always want more? Why can't I simply be at peace with myself and be satisfied once and for all?
Is this a disease? Can I get medication for this?
I am not able, and sometimes it feels like physically unable, to feel satisfied for long... why?
It is becoming extremely painful, especially for the people surrounding me I guess. Very difficult to keep on being joyful when I know that I am not. When I know that all I want is lie down in bed and never move out from there. This is my daily struggle... having enough energy and will to stand up and move from that place. And yet, this is my daily routine:
- wake up at 7:35
- toilet / bathroom while checking the usual disgusting weather and thinking about what I will have to wear for the day
- wear whatever I could find and is weather-appropriate 
- putting on make up with such a hassle, to cover up these tired eyes
- preparing my coffee, drinking it while playing a stupid game on my tablet
- put on some perfume and leave the house around 8:45
- go to the car park, then to work
- reaching my work place at 9:10, log in, work
- taking my lunch break with the usual people at 12 sharp
- come back after a walk "around the cow" to my desk at 1pm
- work until 5:30 - 5:35
- go back home
- check my tablet, social networks, play a bit in the same stupid game
- clean something if the will is there... 
- order or cook some food
- eat
- shower
- go to bed to watch a series
- sleep

And the next morning, the same unsatisfying feeling is haunting me, then the same wish to stay in my bed forever and never move. The same fears, the same suffocated dreams.

It must be difficult to be around me. I feel it is difficult to be around myself.

Happiness does not come from within

It becomes extremely difficult not knowing how to survive alone.
Happiness does not come from within.
Fulfillment is the result of seeing the other happy, and happiness is the feeling the other procures to us.

So no, if my happiness is elsewhere, I do not want to survive alone.

Stillness

Step back...
Step forward.
Step back...
Step forward.

I realized that I stayed in my same spot all along.