Change of place, change of self

I used to always ask myself why do birds feel the need to migrate, to leave a place for another, to cut their roots and fly away.

I didn't have that understanding before. I knew very little on how a place can change you, and that, maybe, cutting the roots and leaving means searching for a better "you" in another place. Forgetting "that" you were, and building "that" you will be. All new, all fresh.

Cheers to new beginnings!

Lonely people in gigantic tribes

While I never understood my dad - and I highly doubt I will ever do - it kind of gave me a wake up call. It reminded me of the truth I wanted to forget: when we go to sleep at the end of the day, we face it all alone. No matter how alone or surrounded we are, we close our eyes and then it's just us. Alone. Us facing life, reality, and most importantly, ourselves. Our fears.

For years, I knew that very well, and I was accepting it by embrassing my individuality to its extreme. For years, I rejected all the "collective culture" and its bullshit. I knew very well that being part of a community, that the sense of belonging we want to desperately create is some sort of failed leftover from our ancient sense of survival. In other words, we are alone, lonely people living in gigantic tribes. So, wake up from the lies you build around you... And remember, you are a lonely soul scared of facing your reality.

Sorry

My life is over.

And son, your life will start.

I want to apologise upfront for the world I will put you in, for the people you will know and meet and for the system that runs all of us...

... for we are not perfect.

For I am not perfect.

Son,

The inevitable has been done.

I will love you with the little power I have.

I will try not to be a failure to you.

I will try not to make those mistakes that were already done...

... But we live in other times, and we will make newer mistakes...

Son,

I am sorry I cannot always provide you with what you need. I can maybe never provide you with that ideal I would love for you to know... 

Sorry son, I will never be good enough.

Changing skin

Sometimes, I just want to be someone else...

Have that freedom I never had

And act unaware of consequences...

I wish I could change my skin sometimes.

Be able to wear someone else's shoes

And hair... And skin...

And eyes.

Then come back to my reality

To my body, to my life conditions.

Then be satisfied once and for all, without the impossible wishes and the what ifs..

Living fully

I want to continue living my life with no regrets and no looking back.
I don't want to be one of those people that, down the road, look back at their lives and say: if only I could have done it differently, if only I dared. If only I lived how I truly wanted to live.

I want to live how I truly want to live.
And that's why I want to do it, more and more... because I have already waited long enough, and I have already started looking back on my "what if"s.
And I wish you could support me on this.

The loneliest times

I am pregnant.
Half way through.
And to be honest, these are the loneliest times of my life.
It really pains me to admit... that I miss my life back sometimes.

Confessions of an addict

I am.
I am addicted to my own self-destruction.
And you are part of my addiction, and it will tear us apart.
But I will love it all along, even the destruction phase.
Although for now, I am abstinent, but soon, I will be back again.
And I will enjoy it, until it kills me.
It will be part of me again. I will enjoy it consuming me.
And instead of crying over "Fragile Dreams"and "Temporary Peace", I will smile at it again.
Because then I can.
Because it is who I am.
I am incapable of anything that is not the reason of my end.

"Life.. has betrayed me once again
I accept that some things will never change.
I've let your tiny minds magnify my agony
and it's left me with a chemical dependency .... for sanity."

It is said

Maybe I was too fast.

I like us together, alone.

I don't like us together, with others.

Too much potential lost.
Let us kill each other to the end!

Boy oh BOY!

I never imagined it happening, but it will be black & blue all the way!

New age romance

Love?

But of course!

Only when it's convenient.

Belgium, do you know where it is in the map?

In August, I will be living in Belgium for 7 years.
7 of the best years of my life. the holly 20s!
Do you even know where Belgium is?
It's a lost country in Western Europe, that, for some unknown reason, its capital, Brussels, became the Capital of Europe, or the European Union to be more accurate.
Not a lot of people have heard of Belgium actually. We can't blame them, it's very small (5th smallest country in the EU... which reminds me, have you ever heard of Andorra?!). It's a bit more than 1/3rd of the state of Louisiana! Nevertheless, it has 3 national languages (French, the only one I speak, Dutch and German).
The weather is an absolute hell all year long, and all the houses / streets and infrastructure are very narrow and small. However - please rejoice! - Belgium has the best beers, best chocolate (nope, Switzerland, sorry, but Belgian chocolate is the best), and best mussels ever!

I forgot though how it was to be my previous self.
I feel less and less who I was, or from where I was.
And although I don't feel Belgian in any way (yet?), I don't feel like a citizen of the world neither.
And unlike my early 20s, not giving myself a box that defines me doesn't bother me anymore. I do not feel any "identity crisis", quiet the opposite.
I finally feel free.

Time is running out... we are next

Scream

I would love to quit my job,
Go home,
Pack my stuff,
Leave.

We are the thesis and antithesis

Isn't it the funniest of worlds?

Such a laugh! 

From jobs that are now called "Client whisperer" or "Technological Evangelist" (respectively for "Client relationship manager" and "IT trainer")... to the insanity of nature that forces us to remember our biological essence, our diseases, weaknesses, and most importantly, our mortality.

... From a human race that has no place on Earth anymore... to a state of cultural and social saturation created but by our own minds.

... From a human society turned into a hyper consumerist ants' colony in the big cities we built... to the striking happiness we can yet feel in a field of corn with the sun shining and the breeze lifting our spirits.

We destroy and create, we love and hate... we are creatures of such absurd bipolarity... capable of the most beautiful actions of creation, and of the worst insanity that the soul shies away to imagine. We are the real reflection of our world. We compete against it, with such fierceness, knowing that winning is losing and losing is defeat.

Beautiful.

Amusing.

And undeniably terrifying.

Do, do, do... you do

the calling

My soul was trying to speak to me.

I was too busy looking through the window... at others.

My soul was trying to reach out to me.

I was too busy making a living.

My soul was trying to send me joy.

I was too busy checking out my phone.

Soul, my darling, don't give up.

For our both sake.

Drops... of joy

Unleashing the real me.

No boundaries

No hold backs

No others

Nothing.

Just free.

Just joy.

La vie en rose!

Life has been beautiful, it has been pink! Fuschia pink.

Life is still beautiful, and I am hopeful it will continue to be.

If I had to be all research-nerdy about it, if it's an overall rating on satisfaction with a 7 points scale, I would probably give it a solid 6.

Now, being a human being myself... until proven otherwise... I put my unaccomplished dreams and hopes in that gap between that solid 6 and the ultimate 7 that we are all looking for. Who could blame me, right? Don't we all do that? And we even over-think, over-plan and over-work to reach those underachieved dreams. The ones that we think are realistic enough to work hard to get.

My "achievable dreams through hard work" list has changed over the years. I am no longer looking for money... I have never looked for fame, understandable, right! I am no longer looking for a great career... yeah, I am looking for happiness, but who isn't. We are happy differently... what makes me happy doesn't mean it would make another person happy. Right.

So, year after year... now being 29 and 3 days... my plans are becoming more "traditional" somehow. Now that I am happily married, I would like to own a house some time soon, I would like to be a mother some time soon, I would like to move to a country that would be more accepting, and closer to who I am than this old / ancient continent. I would like to change the company I work for... I love my job, and I would like to have more freedom to break all these traditional preconceptions we keep on building. 

I am scared though. I am scared I can never leave this country, I am scared of the 30 years of mortgage payment that I need to go through just to own a small 2 bedrooms apartment. I am terrified of never being able to become a mother, and that suddenly my perfect happily ever after marriage would turn sour. I am scared that I will live in this country forever... like all the ones I heard saying they wanted to leave, and found themselves still living in the same place for more than 15 years. I am scared that I cannot move away from my "junior" image at work, and therefore not allowing me to assert my ideas, and at least have them judged by their face value instead of the 'no-grey haired' woman that says them.

Terrified, yes. And who isn't. As much as we say we love change, and we genuinely do, we are still terrified by the unknown outcome of it. Scared, so what! 

Yes, so what. I can do nothing about it. I can do my best, and hope for the best. I cannot change the unchangeable. 

So back to my happy life.

Wishing to all the merry life they dream of