Change of place, change of self

I used to always ask myself why do birds feel the need to migrate, to leave a place for another, to cut their roots and fly away.

I didn't have that understanding before. I knew very little on how a place can change you, and that, maybe, cutting the roots and leaving means searching for a better "you" in another place. Forgetting "that" you were, and building "that" you will be. All new, all fresh.

Cheers to new beginnings!

Lonely people in gigantic tribes

While I never understood my dad - and I highly doubt I will ever do - it kind of gave me a wake up call. It reminded me of the truth I wanted to forget: when we go to sleep at the end of the day, we face it all alone. No matter how alone or surrounded we are, we close our eyes and then it's just us. Alone. Us facing life, reality, and most importantly, ourselves. Our fears.

For years, I knew that very well, and I was accepting it by embrassing my individuality to its extreme. For years, I rejected all the "collective culture" and its bullshit. I knew very well that being part of a community, that the sense of belonging we want to desperately create is some sort of failed leftover from our ancient sense of survival. In other words, we are alone, lonely people living in gigantic tribes. So, wake up from the lies you build around you... And remember, you are a lonely soul scared of facing your reality.

Sorry

My life is over.

And son, your life will start.

I want to apologise upfront for the world I will put you in, for the people you will know and meet and for the system that runs all of us...

... for we are not perfect.

For I am not perfect.

Son,

The inevitable has been done.

I will love you with the little power I have.

I will try not to be a failure to you.

I will try not to make those mistakes that were already done...

... But we live in other times, and we will make newer mistakes...

Son,

I am sorry I cannot always provide you with what you need. I can maybe never provide you with that ideal I would love for you to know... 

Sorry son, I will never be good enough.

Changing skin

Sometimes, I just want to be someone else...

Have that freedom I never had

And act unaware of consequences...

I wish I could change my skin sometimes.

Be able to wear someone else's shoes

And hair... And skin...

And eyes.

Then come back to my reality

To my body, to my life conditions.

Then be satisfied once and for all, without the impossible wishes and the what ifs..

Living fully

I want to continue living my life with no regrets and no looking back.
I don't want to be one of those people that, down the road, look back at their lives and say: if only I could have done it differently, if only I dared. If only I lived how I truly wanted to live.

I want to live how I truly want to live.
And that's why I want to do it, more and more... because I have already waited long enough, and I have already started looking back on my "what if"s.
And I wish you could support me on this.

The loneliest times

I am pregnant.
Half way through.
And to be honest, these are the loneliest times of my life.
It really pains me to admit... that I miss my life back sometimes.

Confessions of an addict

I am.
I am addicted to my own self-destruction.
And you are part of my addiction, and it will tear us apart.
But I will love it all along, even the destruction phase.
Although for now, I am abstinent, but soon, I will be back again.
And I will enjoy it, until it kills me.
It will be part of me again. I will enjoy it consuming me.
And instead of crying over "Fragile Dreams"and "Temporary Peace", I will smile at it again.
Because then I can.
Because it is who I am.
I am incapable of anything that is not the reason of my end.

"Life.. has betrayed me once again
I accept that some things will never change.
I've let your tiny minds magnify my agony
and it's left me with a chemical dependency .... for sanity."