The sky's the limit

Thursday, February 07, 2013

Looking ahead, towards the sky... and thinking back




"Men are wolves to men". 
For some reason, this saying makes me feel young. Maybe a bit too young.

Trust, high expectations... all of it, everything you want... are on the balance.
We live in a world where being fair is a weakness, and where being strong is measured by the number of people you stepped on and left behind... people you've beaten.

Fascinating. These are our new values.



Monday, December 31, 2012

2013






I would like to make a wish, a prayer... if it is ever heard.
Please, make 2013 not the end of the world, not the end of my world, of ours... please make it the beginning of a new age.


I wish a happy new year to everyone.

Mundo Cansado


Friday, December 28, 2012

In silence...





It all started with a guy's picture on the stairs and a smile, or two.
This was going to be the beginning of my story, my happy-ending story. But it's not. I don't have a happy ending story.

I fought for it, to be honest. I tried my best for years, I failed. I failed so badly and I am conscious of it. I didn't see it coming. I don't blame you, although you want me to. I can never blame you. As it takes two to make it work, it also takes two to make it a tragedy. I saw it clearly, and now I understand it, because it destroyed me... I see now that everything I was looking for, my ambition, my dreams, were there because of you, because I had you in  my life. I sincerely thought that you were the only reality in my world, you were the only stable element that would never change. Everything could change, and it didn't matter at all, because I didn't care as long as you were there. I forgot that nothing lasts forever, and I believed that you would last forever for me. I was so certain of this that I made you the center of my life... everything else revolved around you. Did I share this with you? My memory is foggy, as always, but did I make you feel that you are just another element in my life? I do regret that if I did. You are... or should it be "were"?... the center of it all.

So many things unsaid, so many things left in the dark... so many things dead... in me, in you. Guilt? not really, regrets... wishes to change things in the past, mistakes, bad decisions... words said. I made an oath to myself to never live with regret and to always look forward, I can't do it now. I will live with this, silently I hope, when people stop saying "you can't go back in time, you can only move forward" and "in every good there is evil and in every evil, there is good", or "you will see, it will get better, you are not the first nor the last"... when people stop saying this, then I will live with it, in silence.

Monday, December 17, 2012

Need to learn how to live again...

15th of December 2012 is when life stopped and the world ceased to exist. Because you are gone, because you've chose to go.


Friday, November 30, 2012

The pain of the world in my heart





Because you are me, 
and I am you, 
I want you to live to the fullest, 
to live my life for me, 
instead of me... 
to be happy.




Wednesday, October 31, 2012

There is nothing out there... Or within us


A way home?



How do we look at life? Some people say that it's a joke, you need to smile and expect the best. Then, years later, you would laugh at how stupid you were for dreaming so high, for wanting to touch the sky.

I see it differently. I don't see it as a joke, life is tough. Life is sad, empty. It makes you feel tired of it all. We can never win. Maybe that's why I always expect the worst, this way I am never disappointed.
Life is so empty, and I feel like people can never actually be happy. Smiling or laughing is a way to either hide the pain or... a way to believe their own lies, dreams, happiness... We all try so hard, until maybe one day we think we are happy.

With all of this being said... what if there was nothing after death? What if there was no life, no consciousness... that this life time is the only one we have? That means that we carry on with a life that consumes us for nothing. All the pain is vain. And that is scary... void. And then they would say "just try different things, be fun, be happy". Oh yeah? What is "fun"? What is happiness?

When you think about it, it's all set up just right. A perfect balance. With every breath, you die. The more you live, the less you have left to live. It's all meaningless, worthless. There is no goal to achieve. And yet, we are in a society of ants... we wake up, go to work, to school, whatever... go back, and start again, every day, week, month, year after year. We reinvent happiness almost every decade, and the lie continues. You are happy because you work, because of whatever dull definition of success, because you have a partner with whom you share self defined emotions, because you travel, because you achieve your wish list of bullshit, because you have babies... or whatever it is for people to feel "happy". It is all part of an imaginary world we invented. It's all empty. There is nothing out there, and there is nothing within us. And with these wise words, I will wear my dull smile and go out to have what they defined for me as being "fun".



Monday, October 08, 2012

A dream, a clouded memory… or a bit of both




It was an ordinary lunch time during a working day... The company I work for own a huge building in the middle of an office park located near a forest... in a small town.
I usually go, mainly with the same people to the same cafeteria to have lunch during the mid-day break. I first noticed that the usual cafeteria had completely changed; the whole infrastructure and the design were different. I was surprised as none of this had been announced and that the changes happened from one day to the other... which was really unusual.

The cashier was also a different person. A middle aged bold man that actually looked like a banker was sitting there. He spoke badly to me and was shockingly rude, almost angry. I felt a rush of angry feelings that had probably been oppressed since the first cry of my life as a newborn. I controlled myself and put on my eternal smile that I try very hard to display at all times. The cashier mentioned for me to take a certain sauce that I could not recognize so, with that same smile, I asked politely if he could repeat the name again. The man looked at me with such disgust as if I killed his kids in front of his eyes and then said "don't bother me you b***h". For some dark reason, I finally lost my temper and was absolutely furious. I took my tray and threw it at him. For a split second, I was conscious of my acts, but my emotions were taking over all possible common sense I could have left. I saw the sauces next to him and then took one and threw it at him too, while he was paralyzed - not expecting me to react that way.
Suddenly, I've became self-conscious of myself and noticed that I spilled some food on my jeans while I was throwing all the food on the cashier - that was clearly the only aspect bothering me about that situation! I then went to the bathroom to try and remove all the stains. 
The second I've opened the door, I found myself - not in the usual bathroom, not even in a bathroom at all - in a sort of dark old Moroccan castle.



The walls were completely made of earth, mud and rocks, which explains the darkness in which I was. It was a very old building with old materials, very different techniques and architecture. I've noticed right away, once my eyes got used to the dark, that the only windows within these walls were very high and very small. Unreachable.



I finally came back to my senses and started slowly to understand the unbelievable situation I was in. Opening the door to another world? I forced myself to stop thinking about my mental health and concentrating on getting out of this scary building instead.
I started running. It felt as if I was running in a sort of labyrinth. All I wanted was to wash my clothes. Actually, all I wanted was to enjoy a moderately nice meal (food is generally terrible) at the cafeteria, with these same people, at that same place and at that same hour.

While running like a scared pray, I've seen a woman, fully covered but her eyes, following me. Scared, almost paralyzed, I stopped in front of a door that I decided to open. It was a bedroom. 



The decoration was very authentic, but I did not pay much attention to it, instead, I opened the drawer of a cabinet and found a long black Moroccan dress and shoes. For some reason, I took off all my clothes and wore the ones I've found. I had barely finished when a woman came out from the bathroom of that room I was in. I can still remember her very clearly, but what really stood up were her full big dark eyes. She then told me in the most unnatural voice: “You are not supposed to be here".

The combination of the eyes and the voice added to my state of fear, so I opened the door and started running again. The woman started running after me, which didn't help at all. No matter how fast I tried to be, she was always catching up behind me. I then saw a group of women in front of me, with weird tattoos on their faces. At that exact moment, my heart stopped... or missed a beat, I am no longer sure. I knew that it was all done, that, now, it was easier to give up.



One of the women caught me by the shoulder, and, without a word, took me to the Hamam ("Turkish bath/sauna").



I was screaming that all I wanted was to go to the bathroom of the company I worked for and that I myself did not know how or even where I was. No one paid any attention to what I was saying. They kept ignoring me while throwing warm water on my naked body. Four of the women came near to me, and each of them took either one of my arms or one of my legs. And I was naked there, on the warm floor. I do not remember if I felt tears coming out of my eyes, but I would believe I did. I was tight there, at their absolute mercy, when that woman that caught me kneeled down and started applying a weird liquid on the top of my back, just near my neck. I saw that it had a gold color and that my skin absorbed it as if it was thirsty for years. It was like if the liquid glowed under my skin. The strong adrenaline of fear and will to live kicked in while I thought it was the end, and I liberated myself from these women, then started running not knowing really to where, but at that exact moment, it simply didn't matter.

While running, naked and scared, I saw the woman I met in that bedroom following me and calling my name in that scary unnatural voice of hers. My full body and mind were concentrating on one thing: how to leave this hell! I started looking at rooms I encountered during my run, hoping to find that first room where I've took off my clothes. I've looked at many many rooms, and I finally found it. I took my clothes near my chest when that woman appeared. I fell on my knees to the ground, in front of her, and started crying, telling her that all I wanted was to leave this place.
Another woman appeared, out of thin air, and told me: "You will go back, but I have an eye on you".



A split second later, as if it was magic, I found myself outside of the building I work in, naked, with my clothes near my chest. Some people from the same company were smoking there; one of them was someone I knew very well. I started wearing my clothes while he was walking toward me, and he started talking like if nothing had ever happened, with that basic smile on his face, while I had tears on my eyes and was closing the last button of my jeans.