"From the fear of bondage and the bondage of fear"

I am a worrier who needs to change.

I didn't know I was lost -

Doing as others told me, I was Blind.

Coming when others called me, I was Lost.

then I left everyone, myself as well.

then I found Everyone, Myself as well. 

Rumi

For fear will rob me if I give too much

My heart was moved brilliantly by Alan PATON. For a couple of seconds, my heart felt alive again! Young again! And a flood of emotions pumped as quick as the blood in my veins.

Thank you PATON for the beauty of senses you have offered us:

"Cry, the beloved country, for the unborn child that's the inheritor of our fear. Let him not love the earth so deeply. Let him not laugh too gladly when the water runs through his fingers, nor stand too silent when the setting sun makes the veld with fire. Let him not be too moved when the birds of his land are singing. Nor give too much of his heart to a mountain or a valley. For fear will rob him if he gives too much."

Rain rimes with pain

There is that pain in my heart that I cannot get rid of.

I hear your words, I touched your pain when it was at its peak. I felt it. And I trusted every word.

My pain is from another world. It's the what ifs... Not because I am thinking negatively, but because I want better, and I know we can. 

I can never stop striving for more. That's one of the reasons we are alive. With every breath we should get ourselves closer to the perfection this world can offer. And, if I ever am remembered, I don't want to be the one that changed the world, I want to be the one that is righteous, strong but was there to back up her loved ones. The one that they can count on even if the world let them down. 

For when?

Disturbed

I scratched a parked car today with my car.
I received messages of congratulations.
And we agreed (I think) on this: "And He has put love and mercy between your hearts".

I am about to go check on Mercedes cars.
It's a day filled with a multitude of emotions. So many confusing emotions.
I have difficulties describing what or how I feel.

Sadness after happiness

Am I really that evil that I deserve this bad treatment?