Just sharing some happiness

This is funny!

I feel so happy, and I just felt sexy again for a second while preparing my coffee at work!

With my still so wobbly belly, and my jeans that no longer fit me now, I felt great. I didn't feel this concentration of happiness and emotions about myself in so long actually, and it feels simply great!

Sharing the positive vibe!

Great day ahead :)

Midnight trip

More than a month and a half of this! And not even a week has passed.
Just for the fun of it, I sometimes imagine myself picking up my things, putting my son in his trolley, and disappearing in the middle of the night, only to come back after it is all over. After my son is back to be my son, and my husband is back to be my husband, and my house is back to actually be mine.

Be patient, the wise said.. but I don't care what the world says. Patience has a limit, and I am already breaching it. Why should I be the one to be patient? I am patient enough not seeing my son the whole day, should I also give up on all my rights after this too? He is my son. I am his mother, only me.

Oh how I wish... for that middle of the night trip!

Go home and apologise to your mother

Writing is a process to forgive and forget.

With every word written, the memory fades away, slowely, and so does the pain.

I don't want to forget, and I don't want the pain to go away. I want to remember and I want it to hurt forever... Until the end of times.

No one will care for you and love you like your mother. So yes, you all go home and appologise for the ungratful creatures you have been throughout the years. Take a box of tissue on your way and cry it out.

Change of place, change of self

I used to always ask myself why do birds feel the need to migrate, to leave a place for another, to cut their roots and fly away.

I didn't have that understanding before. I knew very little on how a place can change you, and that, maybe, cutting the roots and leaving means searching for a better "you" in another place. Forgetting "that" you were, and building "that" you will be. All new, all fresh.

Cheers to new beginnings!

Lonely people in gigantic tribes

While I never understood my dad - and I highly doubt I will ever do - it kind of gave me a wake up call. It reminded me of the truth I wanted to forget: when we go to sleep at the end of the day, we face it all alone. No matter how alone or surrounded we are, we close our eyes and then it's just us. Alone. Us facing life, reality, and most importantly, ourselves. Our fears.

For years, I knew that very well, and I was accepting it by embrassing my individuality to its extreme. For years, I rejected all the "collective culture" and its bullshit. I knew very well that being part of a community, that the sense of belonging we want to desperately create is some sort of failed leftover from our ancient sense of survival. In other words, we are alone, lonely people living in gigantic tribes. So, wake up from the lies you build around you... And remember, you are a lonely soul scared of facing your reality.

Sorry

My life is over.

And son, your life will start.

I want to apologise upfront for the world I will put you in, for the people you will know and meet and for the system that runs all of us...

... for we are not perfect.

For I am not perfect.

Son,

The inevitable has been done.

I will love you with the little power I have.

I will try not to be a failure to you.

I will try not to make those mistakes that were already done...

... But we live in other times, and we will make newer mistakes...

Son,

I am sorry I cannot always provide you with what you need. I can maybe never provide you with that ideal I would love for you to know... 

Sorry son, I will never be good enough.

Changing skin

Sometimes, I just want to be someone else...

Have that freedom I never had

And act unaware of consequences...

I wish I could change my skin sometimes.

Be able to wear someone else's shoes

And hair... And skin...

And eyes.

Then come back to my reality

To my body, to my life conditions.

Then be satisfied once and for all, without the impossible wishes and the what ifs..